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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Backyard Date night
He planned it all on his own, and I was very impressed.
Earlier in the day he built a fire ring. Then while I was putting T to bed he lit a fire and prepped everything.
Once I got done and he got everything settled we went outside where I was met with a nice little campfire and the stuff to make smores (I love smores!).
+
+
=
and
Simple math really!
All in all I was a great night and a lot of fun. We got to talk and be alone while still being here.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My Life, or Something Like It
My life has been turned upside down, flipped around, and tumbled.
I thought I had a good marriage, we had issues but hey who doesn't?
I thought I had my life on track finnaly and was headed in the right direction.
I thought I was rocking it out.
And then, my life came into better focus. If figured out that what I thought was a good marriage with some problems was a sham. I found out that all of my fears and speculations that something was going on behind my back, even though everyone was busy telling me I was crazy for thinking so, were true.
I found out that my husband was having a full on relationship with anther woman. Not jut sex, not just hit it a quit it, but a full on relationship with someone.
I thought for a while that something was off, I asked friends (mine and his) and everyone told me I was being crazy and paranoid. Just for the record the one thing that this admittedly crazy chick hates is being called crazy by friends, or anyone for that matter. I even asked him point blank and he said again I was being crazy (notice a trend here people?).
But his behavior was just so weird. He would randomly leave during the day to "run to the store", take my car to put gas in it, go grab food, and many other weird things. He and his phone were attached 24/7 (I love my phone but I at least set it down when I'm eating or wiping my tush). He went "fishing" every night he was off because and I quote "he didn't want to mess up his sleep schedule" (works 3rd shift now). And many many more weird quirky things, but he is a weird quirky guy. Obviously, if he's with me right? Hello quirky.
One night at the end of May, May 22nd to be exact (I have a thing for being right and precise, character flaw really) I decided to take matters into my own hands and pulled up my phone bill online to see if there was anything "off". I have NEVER, EVER no not EVER snooped on my husband. I have never, up until this point,checked the phone bill, looked through pockets, even tried to peek into something because I am a trusting person up until a point when I just know there is something up.
So I looked at the phone bill and this one number was either calling or being called every waking moment, even times that I thought he was asleep. He also had a chart tipping 4,000 text messages in just 12 days time (he hardly ever texted me so I knew I was not involved in that number) 4,000 texts people and 8,000 the previous month 4,000 and 8,000 just saying that baffles me. How in the HELL do you send/receive that many texts?
So I did what every NOW crazy person does and I called the the number. I blocked my number on one of those number spoofer sights so that this person wouldn't have my number and I made it look like he was the one calling (crazy like a fox). Guess who answered? Go on guess...... a chick, woman, tramp, flouzy, and abut a million other words I can think of.
Embracing the new crazy I asked BFF, who lives with us, to watch T so that I could go confront OHA.
I called him to let him know that we needed to talk after I had left the house and figured out somewhere to meet up. As soon as he saw me he knew that I knew and that I was flipping pissed. I asked him about the number and at first he denied everything and said that she was just a friend, yeah ok I was born during the day but not yesterday there hombre.
He finally told me the truth after pulling it out of him for hours, literally it took hours. The worst part of the whole thing: he told me that he loved her and didn't know who he wanted to be with or if he wanted to be with anyone at all. I was crushed to say the least, I came home crawled into bed with my BFF and son and cried until he came home and then I stayed in bed alone and cried some more. After sleeping for a while I got up and cried even more (notice another pattern? I like patterns as well). I cried for days upon days, I am not a crier I actually can't remember the last time that I cried in our relationship.
I cried because I was hurt. I cried because I was right. I cried because everyone doubted me. I cried because my baby was in the middle of this. I cried because I blamed myself. I cried because I was fat. I cried because I am infertile. I cried because....................... I cried.
After 2 long, hellish days OHA realized that he needed me, loved me, wanted to be with me. It was now on my plate to decide our future, our fate.
I chose to stay. For me I couldn't give up the past 8 years without a fight. I couldn't give up my marriage without saying that I tried. I couldn't give up my family. I couldn't give up my best friend, confidante, lover, secret keeper, and partner in crime without fighting tooth and nail.
We chose not to tell our families. Mine because my parents adore OHA and I don't want to hurt that relationship. His because of his family and how they would judge us both, we didn't want that. We also chose to only tell a few friends just because we didn't want to deal with the drama lama running around.
With the choice to work it out comes a lot of hard work, more hurt, and A LOT of talking. Each day is a new day with new challenges and new hardships.
Gone are the days (at least for now) of the carefree, easy marriage that doesn't need a lot of cultivating. Gone is the trust.
I am taking it day by day. I pray a lot. I still cry, not all the time but sometimes. I sit and think in silence a lot too, about all of the changes. I am healing. I am forgiving. I am also growing and learning new things about me and who I have become over the last 8 years.
I thought I had a good marriage, we had issues but hey who doesn't?
I thought I had my life on track finnaly and was headed in the right direction.
I thought I was rocking it out.
And then, my life came into better focus. If figured out that what I thought was a good marriage with some problems was a sham. I found out that all of my fears and speculations that something was going on behind my back, even though everyone was busy telling me I was crazy for thinking so, were true.
I found out that my husband was having a full on relationship with anther woman. Not jut sex, not just hit it a quit it, but a full on relationship with someone.
I thought for a while that something was off, I asked friends (mine and his) and everyone told me I was being crazy and paranoid. Just for the record the one thing that this admittedly crazy chick hates is being called crazy by friends, or anyone for that matter. I even asked him point blank and he said again I was being crazy (notice a trend here people?).
But his behavior was just so weird. He would randomly leave during the day to "run to the store", take my car to put gas in it, go grab food, and many other weird things. He and his phone were attached 24/7 (I love my phone but I at least set it down when I'm eating or wiping my tush). He went "fishing" every night he was off because and I quote "he didn't want to mess up his sleep schedule" (works 3rd shift now). And many many more weird quirky things, but he is a weird quirky guy. Obviously, if he's with me right? Hello quirky.
One night at the end of May, May 22nd to be exact (I have a thing for being right and precise, character flaw really) I decided to take matters into my own hands and pulled up my phone bill online to see if there was anything "off". I have NEVER, EVER no not EVER snooped on my husband. I have never, up until this point,checked the phone bill, looked through pockets, even tried to peek into something because I am a trusting person up until a point when I just know there is something up.
So I looked at the phone bill and this one number was either calling or being called every waking moment, even times that I thought he was asleep. He also had a chart tipping 4,000 text messages in just 12 days time (he hardly ever texted me so I knew I was not involved in that number) 4,000 texts people and 8,000 the previous month 4,000 and 8,000 just saying that baffles me. How in the HELL do you send/receive that many texts?
So I did what every NOW crazy person does and I called the the number. I blocked my number on one of those number spoofer sights so that this person wouldn't have my number and I made it look like he was the one calling (crazy like a fox). Guess who answered? Go on guess...... a chick, woman, tramp, flouzy, and abut a million other words I can think of.
Embracing the new crazy I asked BFF, who lives with us, to watch T so that I could go confront OHA.
I called him to let him know that we needed to talk after I had left the house and figured out somewhere to meet up. As soon as he saw me he knew that I knew and that I was flipping pissed. I asked him about the number and at first he denied everything and said that she was just a friend, yeah ok I was born during the day but not yesterday there hombre.
He finally told me the truth after pulling it out of him for hours, literally it took hours. The worst part of the whole thing: he told me that he loved her and didn't know who he wanted to be with or if he wanted to be with anyone at all. I was crushed to say the least, I came home crawled into bed with my BFF and son and cried until he came home and then I stayed in bed alone and cried some more. After sleeping for a while I got up and cried even more (notice another pattern? I like patterns as well). I cried for days upon days, I am not a crier I actually can't remember the last time that I cried in our relationship.
I cried because I was hurt. I cried because I was right. I cried because everyone doubted me. I cried because my baby was in the middle of this. I cried because I blamed myself. I cried because I was fat. I cried because I am infertile. I cried because....................... I cried.
After 2 long, hellish days OHA realized that he needed me, loved me, wanted to be with me. It was now on my plate to decide our future, our fate.
I chose to stay. For me I couldn't give up the past 8 years without a fight. I couldn't give up my marriage without saying that I tried. I couldn't give up my family. I couldn't give up my best friend, confidante, lover, secret keeper, and partner in crime without fighting tooth and nail.
We chose not to tell our families. Mine because my parents adore OHA and I don't want to hurt that relationship. His because of his family and how they would judge us both, we didn't want that. We also chose to only tell a few friends just because we didn't want to deal with the drama lama running around.
With the choice to work it out comes a lot of hard work, more hurt, and A LOT of talking. Each day is a new day with new challenges and new hardships.
Gone are the days (at least for now) of the carefree, easy marriage that doesn't need a lot of cultivating. Gone is the trust.
I am taking it day by day. I pray a lot. I still cry, not all the time but sometimes. I sit and think in silence a lot too, about all of the changes. I am healing. I am forgiving. I am also growing and learning new things about me and who I have become over the last 8 years.
This was written for me but I am contributing it to
Pour your Heart Out
at Things I Can't Say
Thanks Shell I needed that one!
Some body pass me the vodka now please!
Is it weird? T toys addition
So I know that you have missed my sometimes often additions of "Is it Weird?" (insert game show voice and music while reading the title) Yes you have, you have missed it; I know this because the voices that inhabit my head told me so just last night!
So on to my question:
T find toys enthralling when he initially gets them, for like 30 minutes, and then loses total interest in them for like 3-6 months only to love them once again.
The most recent occurrence of this being the toys he got for his birthday and the biggest offender his new bike.
For his birthday officer HA and I got T a strider balance bike. He loved it as soon as he saw it and took off trying to ride it.
So on to my question:
T find toys enthralling when he initially gets them, for like 30 minutes, and then loses total interest in them for like 3-6 months only to love them once again.
The most recent occurrence of this being the toys he got for his birthday and the biggest offender his new bike.
 |
| states evidence #1 |
Balance bikes are newish and strange little contraptions. They are look like a standard bike without training wheels but they do not have pedals requiring children instead to use their feet to propel themselves and learn to balance at the same time. They teach children how to ride without the use of training wheels.
Ok, sorry back from my tangent.
So, fast-forward to the day after T's 1st party (when he got the bike) we went to the park to ride the bike and he refused to even touch the thing. I initially thought it was because Momma was not so bright in the park choicage and he wanted to go play on the play structures, NBD. A few days later and a different nonfun walking park same thing, and a few days after that ditto; I could go on and on with this pattern.
I would think that this was just a one time/thing/toy thing but this happens more frequently than not. He will love a toy in the store, we will gt it, bring it home, and he will want nothing to do with it for months and then suddenly he's in love with the toy. Most recent rediscovery is his pole horse (I think that's what they are called a horse head on a stick that you can "ride" around on.) yesterday and today. I kid you not he played with that thing all day and has not paid any attention to it since it came to live with us sometime around Christmas. The thing even had to take a siesta (we no longer take naps, we're too cool for that now that we're 2) with him this afternoon.
So..... Is it weird that my child loves a new toy for a millisecond, then ignores it for months on end to the point of me considering getting ride of it, and then loves it again but forever this time?
Monday, July 11, 2011
The year of two parties!
T turned 2 on the 16th of June. We had originally planned on having a big party at our house for all of our friends and family, but plans changed due to life. My mom's aunt's 90th birthday was on the 18th (the day we planned T's bday party for) and her children decided t throw her a surprise party and Mom really wanted to go and Officer HA's parents didn't think that they would be able to make it down. So we decided to throw a small family party here on T's birthday and a bigger one in KY at the end of the month for Officer HA's family and our friends up there.
The party on the 16th was a blast. We had hot dogs, chis, and cake at a local park. My parents came along with my bestfriend (more like my sister) and her parents (my adoptive parents) and T's new friend "Z" and his parents.
Here re some pictures from his party here.
The party on the 16th was a blast. We had hot dogs, chis, and cake at a local park. My parents came along with my bestfriend (more like my sister) and her parents (my adoptive parents) and T's new friend "Z" and his parents.
Here re some pictures from his party here.
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| T's new bike |
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| T and Da, he need no one else |
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| who knew a watering can makes a good microphone? |
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| I said "cake" |
The second party in KY was less low key but just a much fun! We did it at a park close to my SIL's house and provided hot dogs and drinks and asked everyone to bring a side, yeah we are on a hot dog kick at the "B" house lately don't really know what's up with that. T had a blast playing with his cousins, our friend's kids and getting all of the attention from the adults (if he as a dog his breed would be an attention hound). Here's some pictures from that one.
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| Just call him Bam Bam |
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| playing with the cousins |
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| My MIL made the cake,T attacked it when no one was looking |
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| yay for self portraits |
All in all we had a blast!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I'm back... again.
The past few months have been intense to say the least.
Here's the short, sweet, dirty version of my life since April (the last time I posted):
*I finished up my semester the first week of May with 2 As and 2 B. YAY Me!
*Started the summer semester and took two classes in the month of May and am now taking three (one runs from May to August) I got a B in the one that ended at the end of May (not really sure why I feel the need to tell you my grade but hey it's my blog and my rules)
*I bought a new computer and got a free xbox, it is used for netflix, huluplus, last.fm and has not played a single game to date.
* T turned 2 and had 2 birthday parties (separate post to follow)
*found out the OHA was having an affair (multiple separate posts to follow)
* I got my hair cut
* T got a hair cut, and I almost had a hart attack
Here's the short, sweet, dirty version of my life since April (the last time I posted):
*I finished up my semester the first week of May with 2 As and 2 B. YAY Me!
*Started the summer semester and took two classes in the month of May and am now taking three (one runs from May to August) I got a B in the one that ended at the end of May (not really sure why I feel the need to tell you my grade but hey it's my blog and my rules)
*I bought a new computer and got a free xbox, it is used for netflix, huluplus, last.fm and has not played a single game to date.
* T turned 2 and had 2 birthday parties (separate post to follow)
*found out the OHA was having an affair (multiple separate posts to follow)
* I got my hair cut
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| Supper cute right? |
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| and another! |
* I have LOST 15 pouds, Yay Me!!!!
*I finished reading the last two Harry Potter books (why yea I know I am a dork and not even a good one)
So basically I have had a long two months with a lot of life changing events and some not so life changing events, but I am back!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Day my Bubble Burst
The violence in the Chattanooga area has been gradually escalating over the past 4 months, but I have never really worried about my family's or my safety.
That is until this past Saturday April 2nd at 10:25 am when Sgt James Timothy (Tim) Chapin from the Chattanooga Police Department was killed in the line of duty. He was answering an alarm call at a local pawn shop and was gunned down and killed in cold blood by the robbery suspect.
This horrible, violent act has changed my outlook on my husband's job. Up until this point I knew that Officer HA's job was dangerous and that he put his life on the line everyday, but it never felt really dangerous or that anything bad could happen. I lived in a happy fluffy cotton candy world where nothing really bad ever happened here at home, bad happened somewhere else. Saturday blew this little dream world up in my face.
This week has been rough. It is hard to come to terms with you spouse's mortality. I have had a lot off emotions this week and I am not so big on emotions, especially big emotions and these have been BIG emotions.
I have been sad for Sgt. Chapin's family, CPD, the community, all police officer's in the area, and for my husband.
I have been angry. This is an emotion that I am totally ok with, a little too ok with it most time. Angry is my go to emotion because I can take it out, wave it around and stand proudly with my hands on my hips and dare anyone to mess with me. I know angry. I have been angry with my husband, society, my BFF, stupid people, my car, you name it and I have been angry with it. Most recently, angry came out to play with a boy in my Thursday night class when he made a rude and hateful comment about police officers, it was completely unprofessional of me and not something I normally do but it did get the point across.
I have also been scared. This is not an emotion that I am ok with, I never admit when I am scared. Right now I am scared, I don't know what I would do if it had been OHA or one of our friends.
Lastly I have been happy and relieved, this is the one that I am having the toughest time handling because I feel guilty. I am happy and relieved that it wasn't my husband or any of my friends, and that it didn't directly affect my family. I had 10 minutes of pure terror when we found out that an officer had been shot and not knowing who it was. When OHA was able to find out who it was and told me I felt the largest gush of relief, this is the relief I feel the worst about.
That is until this past Saturday April 2nd at 10:25 am when Sgt James Timothy (Tim) Chapin from the Chattanooga Police Department was killed in the line of duty. He was answering an alarm call at a local pawn shop and was gunned down and killed in cold blood by the robbery suspect.
This horrible, violent act has changed my outlook on my husband's job. Up until this point I knew that Officer HA's job was dangerous and that he put his life on the line everyday, but it never felt really dangerous or that anything bad could happen. I lived in a happy fluffy cotton candy world where nothing really bad ever happened here at home, bad happened somewhere else. Saturday blew this little dream world up in my face.
This week has been rough. It is hard to come to terms with you spouse's mortality. I have had a lot off emotions this week and I am not so big on emotions, especially big emotions and these have been BIG emotions.
I have been sad for Sgt. Chapin's family, CPD, the community, all police officer's in the area, and for my husband.
I have been angry. This is an emotion that I am totally ok with, a little too ok with it most time. Angry is my go to emotion because I can take it out, wave it around and stand proudly with my hands on my hips and dare anyone to mess with me. I know angry. I have been angry with my husband, society, my BFF, stupid people, my car, you name it and I have been angry with it. Most recently, angry came out to play with a boy in my Thursday night class when he made a rude and hateful comment about police officers, it was completely unprofessional of me and not something I normally do but it did get the point across.
I have also been scared. This is not an emotion that I am ok with, I never admit when I am scared. Right now I am scared, I don't know what I would do if it had been OHA or one of our friends.
Lastly I have been happy and relieved, this is the one that I am having the toughest time handling because I feel guilty. I am happy and relieved that it wasn't my husband or any of my friends, and that it didn't directly affect my family. I had 10 minutes of pure terror when we found out that an officer had been shot and not knowing who it was. When OHA was able to find out who it was and told me I felt the largest gush of relief, this is the relief I feel the worst about.
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| RIP Sgt Chapin |
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